Legally Bland

#10: Delusions Driven by Salt Deprivation

My ear doctor told me to stay away from salt. High doses of sodium cause fluid to accumulate in some membrane in my ear and this is why I go deaf from time to time. I’m not a “medical” person so I don’t know whether this is classifiable as an allergy or as a disease. (The word “disease” has “Bubonic Plague” written all over it.) Whatever. The only word that comes to mind right now is “ick.”

Ick for bland food as well. What is life without salt? It’s like the earth without beaches. Rows and rows of potato chips at the grocery store will miss my presence. The soy sauce in our cupboard will have many days in the dark. And what of our Ilocano staple, “bagoong?” I’ll miss that dear friend as well in the way I badly miss bronzers during the rainy season. (Well, at least that “No Salt” prescription is better than what my previous doctor asked me to do – don’t touch human food plus eat your neighborhood pharmacy 3x a day for a whole month.)

I was reading the blog of one of the coolest authors I know and he was talking about getting throat infection from everything he does. He sneezes, he gets a throat infection. He stubs his toe, he gets throat infection. Now this bit of info makes me feel better and, in a slightly twisted way, gives transcendent value to my ear defect. It assures me that while this deafness is limiting now (I can’t really participate in discussions without getting that crazed “I-see-what-you’re-trying-to-say-but-you’re-not-making-sense-to-me” look – which other people find a bit freaky), it places me right smack in the middle of the fast track to New York Times Bestsellerdom (or is it Bestsellership?). You see, I eat, I get this hearing defect. I get stressed, I get this hearing defect. I don’t know if you’re keen enough to see the similarities but this undeniably sounds like the making of the next Max Barry to me. Hah.

With this pleasant prospect in mind, whenever a plate of tasteless goop is placed before me, I smile and proceed to practice saying, “Thanks for buying my book. To whom would you like this dedication addressed?”

Ngwarharhar.